Under My Skin: Shame

The past two months has been difficult. A dear friend of mine died. The house looked like a wreck (during the renovation). I had to face it everyday. Personal issues were creeping up. And I was not only failing in God's standards, but also in my own standards, in relationships and even in school. I think I could somehow feel and understand David's pain when he wrote, "The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in the darkness like those long dead" in Psalm 143.

God seemed silent. I questioned God in my prayers. I stopped fasting. I kept my distance from my brothers and sisters in Christ. I was angry. I was in pain. Day after day, the more I disliked myself.

My internal strength could barely keep up with my external circumstances. There was no time for healing, or time to catch breath. Then I remembered the painting a pastor told me that won an art contest. The theme of the contest was "Peace." Most of the scenes displayed glorious sunsets, trees, beaches, basically nature at its finest. The winning piece however showed a picture of a bird, white and glowing, standing still on a branch of a tree while there was a raging storm in the dark night. I saw myself in that storm, but unlike the unshaken bird, I was fearful and struggling, trying to cling onto the branch. I told God I missed the old times when I would tell Him, "Alright Father, You and Me against the world!" with a very joyful tone. I felt that because God's with me I would always, always be safe.

In one of my quiet times, God made me dig deep into the gut of my character. Some questions I asked myself: Why did you become a Christian? Have you experienced a very painful event in the past? Did it shape your character? Did it strengthen you too much that you've become "vogue on the outside but vague in the inside"? Did you go to God because you wanted to escape? Was it because of insecurities? Or perhaps a painful event? Have you laid your hurt, hour shame, your weaknesses all out to God? Or are you trying to forget them altogether?

I realized that the things depleting me were very much hooked to my past. It's proven (on TV and in real life :P) that if the past (mistakes, insecurities, pains) is covered by several layers of masks (i.e. success, fame, education, fortune), it will find its way out. It will come out stinkier as time goes by, especially if it is decades pass its expiration date.

I'm sure most of you have experienced something painful in the past. As they say life is a series of ups and downs. However a number of them were probably too painful to handle that they have been repressed in a section of the brain with a KEEP OUT sign. Any hint of memory that leaks out would bring bouts of depression, heaps of anger, or buckets of tears alongside it.

My stinky past seeped through in forms of anger and irritability. They masked a very shameful past. Maybe you can take this time to reflect too. Ask yourself: Were you abandoned? Were you made to feel insignificant? Were you abused? Were you laughed and mocked at? Were you the least favorite? Did you engage in premarital sex? Did you make a very foolish bet? Did you make a massive mistake? Did you fail? Shame always stems out of sin, whether it is your own sin or somebody else's sin.

Unearthing the core of these symptoms were indeed the first step to healing. God opened my eyes to a deeper problem buried under piles of skin. I felt insignificant and worthless. Some people in my past made me feel that I always have to push, to thrive, to get moving and to be productive because for them productivity is equal to worth. And if I don't show them I'm worthy, I'd be neglected like the dead cellphone in my cabinet. Recently, my past attacked me when I had to be at home everyday. Coupled with the fact that I couldn't help much when problems arose, and so I felt my life was meaningless.

I talked to God about how others had treated me. I acknowledged that I was hurt and I needed healing. Then the healing began. God reassured me that my significance comes from Him and not from any other people. I realized that I had been pleasing other people too much in order to see my worth. God told me to look at Him and to see myself in His eyes. Significance is not based on how much successes I've achieved, or how many people I've pleased. Significance is how God sees me!

Then, God made me realize that there's something I needed to do to be fully healed. I have to decide to forgive. To forgive even if they were not deserving. God sent Jesus to die for our sins even if we didn't (and still don't) deserve it anyway. To forgive even if they didn't make right their wrongs. God has forgiven us and called us His children even if He knew there would be more future wrongs. Forgiving can be very difficult, and so let's pray to God persistently as how Jesus has taught us, "Forgive me Father as I forgive those who've sinned against me." It's your ticket to freedom from the clasp of the bitter roots.

God has also placed us in a spiritual family, or in another term, the body of Christ for a reason. We are not alone in this journey. Don't be afraid to seek help. That's what I learned to do. Open up. It's refreshing to share the load that you've long carried. They might also bless you with their God-given wisdom and insight. Also, ask for prayers. Satan is out there to tell you "God is silent," "You are all alone," "Forget about the past. Healing is impossible," "You are hopeless," or "God is like them, He doesn't care."

The past is part of our lives for a reason. Together with our talents and our personalities, God can redeem it for His glory. During the last two months, God has opened my eyes to what was under my skin. And He has led me the time of healing. I thank God for never giving up on me.



Neither will He give up on you.

Great Grocery Adventure: On Spices

A number of lady shoppers slowed down their carts to avoid two big obstructions on aisle 15, a couple of teens stared with their brows slightly raised, and a male merchandiser stood a few feet away waiting to be called, while my friend and I were sniffing and sneezing our noses away for a great number of minutes. By the looks on their faces, they were probably thinking that we were either a bunch of nerdy weirdos or a couple of acclaimed chefs.

Usually, I would just grab a pack of cinnamon for my carrot muffin or a bottle of paprika when a recipe calls for it, but during that fateful day, I opened the caps of all the colorful bottled spices. I also lifted my head and browsed through the several packs of herbs hanging on the metal hooks. I closed my eyes and smelled each and every variant. The different aroma took me to places, to foreign cities, to a trip down the memory lane and even to lands I’ve never been to.

A very familiar smell drew my attention, it reminded me of the Chinese medicine my mom would brew for me whenever I get sick. The sibut smelled like musty old wood, very earthy. True to its smell, this spice comes from barks of trees. It is usually used to make a healthy hearty soup called the Sibut Teng. Ask any Filipino-Chinese grandmoms around for the recipe, they’d gladly share it with you.

Another favorite Chinese flavoring is the five spices, it is a mixture of different ground spices that includes a blend of black, brown, grey and white colors. It has a dusty smell -- a mixture of pungent and weak flavors layered together in a pack. What’s remarkable about this spice is that it embodies all five flavors -- sweet, salty, sour, bitter and pungent. Chinese cuisines use it as a rub for chicken, pork, duck and seafood.

Right beside the five spices was a greenish powder also sealed in a pack. The celery powder wasn’t as pungent as the five spices, it had a light and refreshing smell of a juicy celery stalk. This may not be your usual spice, as it is only an optional touch you may add to your favorite soup, spaghetti, salad or anything else that has celery in it.

Cumin seemed to be another weakling spice. It smelled like a very light pepper. But do not be deceived, this spice is the 2nd most popular spice in the world after the black pepper. It is used to bake breads in France, to make cheese in Netherlands, and to make stews in Rome. Moreover, it is very rich in iron. Would you believe that in a lot of South Asian countries, cumin seeds are boiled to heal digestive problems?

Hanging at the far left of the spice rack were some odd shaped flowers with an earthy reddish color. The star anise exudes a sweet smell with a hint of bitter taste. It comes from small native evergreen trees in South China where the love for numbers was also the inspiration for its Chinese name “Eight Horn”. My mom usually places star anise in her famous Chinese Pata Tim.

Then there was this bright yellow powder at its right that shouted: INDIA! Although I’ve never been to India, the spicy aroma of the turmeric painted a very vivid picture of India with its colorful shawls and tunics, and plenty of chicken curry. The turmeric spice comes from the “Yellow City” of Erode, India. It is considered to be one of their most traded commodities. In Europe it is popularly known to be “Indian Saffron,” a favorite alternative for the very expensive saffron spice.

The bright orange red colored powder beside it did not smell as spicy as its name chili powder sounded. It was cool to the nose and it smelled like wet earth. Chili powder is a ground, dried fruit -- common ones are Cayenne Pepper and Red Pepper -- that when sprinkled on a dish, literally and figuratively adds spice to it.

As I continued to let my gaze and nostrils wander, I saw those long yellow rope-like spices tucked in plastic pouches. I was ecstatic that my favorite fruit banana has its own spice, the banana blossoms. It smelled nothing like banana though. It has a sweet and sour tang, and resembles the scent of kiammui, a Chinese candy. Banana blossom grows on the stems holding clusters of banana and the deep cherry red blossom. It is considered to be a delicacy in southern India.

One of my favorite spices on the rack was the cool cinnamon. It’s sweet and minty smell brought me back to several Christmases ago, when we youngsters would eat bread sprinkled with cinnamon and drink a cup of rich dark hot chocolate with it. This nostalgic spice comes from the inner bark of Cinnamon trees in South East Asia. Now that I’m older, it has become a staple in my Starbucks coffee!

Finally, I found a native grown spice, the kasubha. This red-orange stripped spice did not have a smell that truly stood out, probably because its most popular function as a culinary ingredient is to color or dye the foods into yellow. But it is not limited to simply become a nice accent to dishes like Arroz Caldo and Adobo, it is also known to be a good laxative to various diseases.

My friend and I closed the leads of all the caps and secured the herbs on their metal hangers. It was a beautiful and enjoyable journey. Simply sniffing the wide array of spices, plus a colorful imagination, we realized can already lead you to places.