In trying to find God’s will, I’ve tried different things, learned various skill sets and practiced them out for a time. I’ve ventured into card-making featuring different mechanisms (i.e. pop-up, rotating, etc), baking pies, rice pizzas and banana cakes, making crema de fruita, cooking, gardening, sewing journal books, recycling plastics, recycling papers, recycling junkfood wrappers, designing products, writing about life and weddings and DIY crafts and health and beauty and fashion and make-up. And now, I’m still on stand-by, not knowing where to go.
It’s just so odd that I am predisposed to pursue ALL or NONE of them. Perhaps I am afraid that once I focus on something with passion and ardor, God would just take it away from me as it may become a potential candidate for Mitzi’s Next Idol. Perhaps, I am afraid that God will make “batok” (hit on the head) me when I make a wrong decision, or when I view with a wrong perspective. I had a painful “batok” last 2008, when I got sick. It was when God allowed me to realize that I have to give every room of my life to Him. Perhaps, I'd rather God tell me the direction, than I go wherever I want "just to do something," only to find out that God may just give me another painful "batok" as another life lesson. Or perhaps, I am just waiting for God to give a go signal.. so that I may know He will be pleased with the work of my hands.
Now that everything I have is with Him, my hopes, my dreams, my body, my heart, my mind and my soul, I am hoping that He would just take the lead. I wouldn’t mind if He would let me undergo painful, teary drops, as long as I know He is the hand behind everything. But because this very fact makes me wait for him, and do nothing, I don’t know where to start anymore.
I’ve also prayed a lot about this. I’ve prayed different prayers. Read different books. Studied parts of the bible. I prayed for wisdom, understanding and knowledge, but it seems like I’m just back from where I’ve started. I prayed for a right perspective of God. I prayed for God to test my heart, know my anxious thoughts, and convict me. I’ve prayed for God to give me a burden and a passion that I cannot resist.
If you are feeling left out, lost, or too old to still be on stand-by, You. Are. Not. Alone. God has not forsaken you, and me, yet. It may seem that God has closed His ears and turned His back on us. But, I believe He hasn't.
A few days ago, I was reading Ezekiel and I was amazed. Israelites during that time had proven to be unfaithful – they believed other gods, sought partnerships with other nations, withheld justice and mercy from the poor and depended on their strength. That was why God punished them and allowed an iron fist, Babylon, to destroy and conquer Israel.
It may seem that on the eye-level, God had already given up on His people when they were being devoured by the Babylonians. They were back to their empty lifestyle that focused on surviving, on working for the Babylonians, on achieving, on temporary pleasures, on what the world required/looked up to -- all of which they eventually gave up on their last breath. In short, they lived a life without the God who gives purpose -- this is simply a chase after the wind.
They didn’t know that if they just looked at their circumstances from a higher point of view, from God's view, their Heavenly Father still has a vision for them. Read the last chapters of Ezekiel (start at ch36) and discover that despite the terrible sins of Israel, God still has a plan to redeem them and rebuild their nation.
Like the Israelites, it may seem that God has left us in our SOS helpless state. It may seem that we are on our own now because of the tormenting silence. But I believe, the silence has its reason just as the exile has its reasons. No matter what happens, God also has a vision for you and me, a vision that He will bring to reality. He does not do it because we are deserving -- since like the Israelites, we are just as sinful and unfaithful.
But He will surely do it, for the glory of His name.
“Therefore say to the Israelites, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: It is not for your sake, people of Israel, that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you have gone. I will show the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, the name you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know that I am the LORD, declares the Sovereign LORD, when I am proved holy through you before their eyes."
~ Ezekiel 36:22-23
"Focus on your relationship with God. Let the problems around you worry about themselves. God is in control even if all hell breaks loose."